greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”