Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.