She’s not my fake internet girlfriend, she’s my eBae.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.