@OakHill_

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

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@daplusk

‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@Diversion50

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

@GingerHotDish

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

@harrows_

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

@TheHatStore

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

@krisv_723

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.