Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf