*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
this has to be peak English
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
oh you wanna fight?!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.