Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button