Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
When your man makes a valid point
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams