grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?