Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Lassie, get help!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.