Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@canadasandra

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

@Rica_Bee

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

@briangaar

I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool

@jonnysun

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

@LizerReal

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

@Cycloptomese

Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.

@dinnersruined

*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

@somecleverthing

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

@Megatronic13

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.