Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
king: [panicking] how many men?
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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.
*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.