grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery