grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now


I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool


*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar


Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]


Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.


*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”


Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.