GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?


I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.


He had salt and pepper hair. There was also a hint of oregano. And bay leaves. His entire head was a bottle of Italian seasoning.


Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him


When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”


Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!


dad: “start a rumour so people are scared of you”
me: “ok”
cellmate: “i kill people for money”
me: “i brush my teeth with hot water”


The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.