GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Whoa 😂
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.