@scot7a

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

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@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@MikeDrucker

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

@TheAlexNevil

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

@meaganbb1

I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!

@Prof_Hinkley

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable