GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
happy valentine’s day to me
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.