GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

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You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.


My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.


your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”


“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid


I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!


I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable