You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable