@PleaseBeGneiss

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

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@mijamtweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

@junejuly12

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

@BoozieEyedJoe

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

@realHamOnWry

My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@TheOnion

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

@junejuly12

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old