Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”


You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.


I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.


My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.


[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”


Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.


You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.


Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once


People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old