Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.