[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw