[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

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Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*


Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?


“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals


i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead



Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.


1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money


Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…


men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner


“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing


“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.