[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
don’t be scared
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.