grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.