Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.