@daemonic3

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

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@Fickle_Filly

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

@FunnyTunes

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@Brentweets

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

@MavenofHonor

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

@AudreyPorne

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

@sonictyrant

[After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i’d call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now

@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date