I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?
Me: i told my mom i’d call her
Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now
*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date