[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.


There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.


My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.



Our middle child says we neglect him/her.


“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”


*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring


an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??


[After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i’d call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now


*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date