[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
who wore it better?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
choose your fighter
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.