[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

You Might Also Like



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.


Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?


*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*


My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


What are WE?

What are WE gonna do?

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!


Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…


me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.


Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”


Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.