@XplodingUnicorn
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
@stevevsninjas
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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@XplodingUnicorn
@rzarosco
Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?
@CommonSavant
*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*
@XplodingUnicorn
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
@fairlyliterary
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
@EndhooS
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
@JB4Realz
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
@TheBoydP
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
@benjiovo
Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.
@Home_Halfway
I hate w.hen my period comes early