[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Print is alive and well!!!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
When your man makes a valid point
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications