[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

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(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.


Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!


[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?


[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw


Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”


Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.


Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.


I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water
Eau my God


i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered


Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.