The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.