[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

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Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that


[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*


An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.


How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.


[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes


Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*


This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.


who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.