[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.