Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*