[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
You Might Also Like
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[montage of me giving-up]
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.