[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it