@TragicAllyHere

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

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@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@iamspacegirl

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.

@Wine_Honey1

Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.

@jollyrobber

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

@NotBachibawlz

Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot

@ilovepie84

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

@ghinapalestina

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

@samalmightysam

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.