A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.
Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….
Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.