@EllaZee5

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

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@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

@tweetarded1

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

@girlneuy

“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.

@crylenol

*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

@JohnMayer

gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000

@TheAlexNevil

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

@ComedyPosts

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.