Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.