@tarashoe: gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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@mrtiredeyes: landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment* also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
@andreeahluscu: Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.