@tarashoe

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

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@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

@waitfortheQ

My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@mondaypunday

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

@BeTheBoy

The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.

@Darlainky

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.