Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”
Sign two was failing skeleton class.
Alexa , did scaramouche ,scaramouche ever do the fandango ?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.