I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
what are they serving at kfc then???
how to exercise your calf muscles
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
some things should go without saying
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”