Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
*swells with pride*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
friend: whats the matter
me: just found out i have a latex allergy
friend: oh shit that means you can’t-
me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons
HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER:
1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule
Date someone who:
• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.