Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.