Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.