Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
my dog when i have a friend over
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
B
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair