Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

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When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.


[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME


[first time robbing bank]

“put all the money in the bag”

[second time robbing bank]

“put all the money in the bag. also this time i have a gun”


Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.


I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity


You’ve been robbed by *360 spin*
A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*


Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.


Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.


“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights


[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
M: Like to screw?
M: Hey! Where are you going?