Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Cndnsd Mlk
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?