Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.


*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers


Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.


If your boyfriend doesn’t buy you chocolates today, it’s probably because he thinks you’re fat.


COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs


“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency


Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies


It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…