My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!