[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

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sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad


Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed


You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks


Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3


You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.


Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns


[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.


Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.