@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

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@OMGSoOverIt

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.

@prufrockluvsong

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

@lottie_fly_x

My toddler hid the tv remote before she went to bed so now I have a fun night ahead of getting drunk and watching Disney Junior

@Darlainky

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

@Birdhumms

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

@LlamaInaTux

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

@ruinedpicnic

(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]

@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?

@ch000ch

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time