sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.