[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA