Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
me when I see my crush
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Living the best life.. 😊
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space