Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

6: are snakes just neck?

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time