Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
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Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.