@InternetHippo

groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok

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@KyleMcDowell86

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

@Dschnoeb

I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.

@AbiWilks

Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error

@XplodingUnicorn

If you still have a landline, I assume you also own a butter churn and ride a dinosaur to work.

@duplicitron

If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.

@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@PMTheron1

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

@UncleDuke1969

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?