[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
no cat here
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.