Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?