[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car