[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.