*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.