“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree

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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….


This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*


“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom


Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.


[1st Date]

Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?



“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.


“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.