People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.
Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.