@GroperCleveland

“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree

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@mrjohntofu

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

@Steelers1972

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@TuSoonShakur

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@TweetingDadGuy

Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.

@philEfanaddict

[1st Date]

Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?

@UncleDuke1969

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@Darlainky

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.