If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.