Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.

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Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?




i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”


*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*


My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it


Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.


[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”


[ Buzzfeed writer becomes a teacher ]

“Kids today we will learn Alphabets. Here are 26 Alphabets that will blow your mind”


[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.


People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”