@theshamingofjay

Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.

You Might Also Like

@AverageClo

Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?

WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?

WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?

@TheHyyyype

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

@JohnLyonTweets

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

@lisaxy424

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

@simoncholland

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

@RoastedPapad

[ Buzzfeed writer becomes a teacher ]

“Kids today we will learn Alphabets. Here are 26 Alphabets that will blow your mind”

@ComeToMyWidow

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”