Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Shower sex be like:
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Not today.. 😂
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Day 2 of my diet
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk