Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

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Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.


You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.


You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”


Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.


What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita


Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza


Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science


My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.


This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.