@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

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@thatUPSdude

Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.

@OldUncleDaveO

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

@BuckyIsotope

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

@sammyrhodes

Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.

@gtcolliins

What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita

@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@yoyoha

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@MartaEffing

This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.