Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.


I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.


[The Price Is Right]

Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is

Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right


Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times


Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.


In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed


Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in


*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice


Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news