Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.